The Talk
by Guile
Summary: Sometimes, you just want to get your captain laid.
1. Luffy has a problem

A/N: Just some mindless bit of crazy that came to me while Secret Love was on hold. Honestly, Luffy probably knows about the birds and the bees - he grew up in a pirate port of call, after all. But this way is much more entertaining. BTW - if anyone knows which html command you use to stick lines in these documents, let me know, will ya? I'd be eternally grateful.

Disclaimer: One Piece is Oda's. But the pick-up line about being a Love Pirate? That's all me, baby.

- - -

"Sanji," Luffy asked, wondering. "Why do you do that?" Sanji picked himself up off the ground, watching the girl he'd been propositioning fade into the distance. He touched the red handmark that adorned his face gingerly; usually they just declined, but that one was fiesty. "What?"

Luffy waved vaguely. "Whatever you do that makes girls hit you. It doesn't seem very fun."

Sanji looked at his captain uncomprehendingly. "What... asking them on dates?" Luffy shrugged agreeably. "Sure, that." Sanji tried to think of how to describe skirtchasing to his captain.

He came up blank.

"Well... uh. You know," he cajoled. Luffy looked back at him, obviously having no idea. Sanji sighed. "You have no idea, do you." It was not a question.

The cook clapped his hands. "All right then, Luffy. Someone has obviously been remiss in teaching you what you need to know." Sanji threw an arm around Luffy's shoulders. "Don't you worry, Luffy. I'll take you under my wing, teach you what you need to know."

"Now, first, is the art of the pick-up line..."

- - -

Sanji scanned the crowd for a good choice for his pupil's trial run. The Straw Hat captain hadn't understood most of the words Sanji used in his own unique form of come-ons, so Sanji had decided to stick to the tried-and-true methods. He spotted a likely mark.

"All right Luffy, see that girl there, in the sundress? Just like we practiced, okay? She doesn't look like she has much upper body strength, she probably won't hit too hard."

Luffy nodded obediently, and sidled up to the girl in question. He cleared his throat. When she looked up, he attempted a Sanji-esque smile. As you can imagine, the attempt rather spooked his target. "Excuse me, angel. Are you wearing moon pants?"

She shot him a look that questioned his sanity. Luffy soldiered on. "Cuz... uh... wait." He whipped out a sheet of paper and checked it. "Oh, right. 'Cuz that ass is outta this world!" He gave her the 'double-guns'. She patted him on the head like a dog and moved on.

Luffy looked back at Sanji for direction. The cook motioned for him to keep going.

He hurried towards the girl in the sundress. "Wait, wait, I can do better!" She gave him a polite look. Luffy strained to remember one of the lines Sanji had drilled him on. "That dress looks really nice on you... but it would look even better in a pile beside my bed!"

He even did the little shimmy Sanji had suggested was appropriate.

The girl had the oddest expression Luffy had ever seen. he looked back to his mentor for support and guidance. Sanji gave him a thumbs up.

The girl looked from one to the other and back again. "Oh, I see what this is." She looked at Sanji severely. "It isn't nice to make fun of the mentally handicapped like that, mister." She flounced off.

Sanji sweatdropped. "Ignore her, Luffy. ... Keep going."

- - -

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"

"Baby, somebody better call God, 'cos he's missing an angel!"

"Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I'm lost at sea."

"Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?"

"I'm a love pirate and I'm here for your booty! Arr!"

- - -

Sanji threw up his hands in despair. "Okay, this isn't working. But I refuse to give up when my captain is so desperately in need of help! C'mon." The cook took off towards the harbor.

Luffy followed. "Where are we going, Sanji?"

"We need to find Zoro."

- - -

A/N: So, we're looking at a chapter for every Mugiwara crew member... maybe one for the Marines, too. And remember, flames are fine - as long as you aren't bothered by me crying myself to sleep at night. I am sucha delicate flower, you see.


	2. Alcohol always makes things better

A/N: Glee over finals being over plus more free time for Guile equals humor fic. Proven fact.

- - -

"Come on, Zoro," Sanji cajoled. "How can you leave such an innocent alone, unprotected, in such a harsh, unforgiving world?"

"No way. I'm not doing it."

"You poor innocent lamb, you don't know either, do you?"

"Alright, _fine_," the swordsman growled. "_Fine_. I'll do it."

It had taken a lot of talking, threatening, and pleading to get the Pirate Hunter to go along with it; apparently, there were a lot of things Zoro was willing to do for his captain, but he felt that giving him the Talk was above and beyond the call of duty. But in the end, Zoro had agreed.

"Come on, Luffy," Zoro called, heading for the galley.

As they left, Sanji heard the older man begin. "Okay, so when two people love each other very much, or are very drunk..."

- - -

Sanji had thought taking a quick peek to see how the talk was coming along had been a good idea, and so had arrived just in time for Zoro to conclude, "And be sure to watch out for the ones with boot knives. Those things hurt like hell."

Luffy was laughing loudly, his face a rosy red. Though that may havehad more to do with the mostly empty keg that occupied one end of the table they were sitting at than anything else. The pirate captain's next words pretty much made it a certainty in Sanji's mind. "Aw, I loves you, Zoro."

Zoro laughed loudly in return, before downing his mug. Luffy copied him and slurred, "Yer good nakama."

Zoro added, contemplatively, "Now, another thing to watch out for is cross dressers-"

"I think that's about enough, marimo," Sanji interrupted.

Luffy, finally noticing someone had joined them, launched himself from his seat and latching onto the cook like a barnacle. He stared blearily into Sanji's face before poking him in the nose and declaring happily, "I love you, Meat."

Zoro just kept snickering, while Sanji looked at his captain in dismay. "Luffy," he said firmly. "Luffy! Pay attention. Follow my hand." Luffy tried, and failed. Sanji sighed. "Okay, yeah, you're plastered."

He turned to Zoro, boy still attached to him. "Why did you think alcohol was a good idea?"

Zoro shrugged. "I dunno, figured it could break the ice, or something. Seemed like a good idea, back..." he counted on his fingers, until he reached the end of one hand, and finished, "... a while ago."

"Whatever." Sanji gave the marimo up as a lost cause. "I guess I'll get our captain here to his bunk, and we can pick up tomorrow."

"Nah," Zoro waved his hand, the one not occupied with cradling his mug. "I imparted all my wisdom. Well, I guess I've got a funny anecdote or two..."

Sanji didn't want to ever, ever have a mental image of Zoro having sex ever, ever again. "No! No. We're okay. Thanks." One hand on the rubberman's back to steady the passenger, he hurried away, shuddering.

- - -

A/N: Sanji and Zoro are so easy to write. This chapter is probably as close as I'm ever going to get to slash writing. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.


	3. Nami will do it for money

Luffy was sleeping off Zoro's unique way of teaching, and Sanji was despairing. He'd hoped that after himself, Zoro would be able to teach their captain how to be a credible member of the male of the species. His only other choices to go to were a reindeer and two delightful, well-mannered, beautiful, nubile... he zoned out for a minute... Ladies.

And _Usopp_. No, there was no hope for Luffy.

Sanji put his head in his hands. "Poor Luffy," he mourned.

"Poor Luffy what?"

Sanji attempted to jump out of his skin while remaining perfectly still - this is more difficult than you might suspect, and resulted in him landing in an awkward pile of limbs at Nami's feet. Lightning-quick, he was up on his feet and clasping her hands between his as he relayed his tale of woe. Nami-san was smart, surely she could come up with a solution.

"Hmm..." Nami mused. "All right, I'll take care of it, Sanji-kun."

Sanji fell at her feet, intentionally this time, too grateful for words. He still tried though, extoling her virtues and the like. She grinned. "100,000 beli."

If this were less serious, and not real life, Sanji's one eye would have turned into a heart. "I love when Nami-swan is mercenary."

"Down, boy." She smiled. "You can owe me." She strolled below deck, to the chorus of "Mellorine, mellorine..."

- - -

"He'll be lucky to get out with the clothes on his back," Zoro mused.

Sanji's eye widened in outrage. "Marimo! Take that back! Nami-san isn't that kind of girl!" Zoro glared. "I meant she'd fleece him for every beli he has, or ever will, ero-cook." He smirked. "What were _you_ imagining?"

"That's it," Sanji growled back at him, and leaped over the table to get at Zoro, boot leading the way.

After a boot to the head sent Zoro slamming into the galley wall, and Zoro's return swing knocked him into his low-hanging pots, they managed to settle down to their respective tasks (cooking and mooching, respectively) with only a few more half-hearted insults, when Luffy wandered in, grinning as usual and thankfully still clothed.

"Sanji!" he commanded. "Meat!"

"So," Zoro interrupted, chin resting on his open palm and a wide smirk on his face. "How'd the devil woman do?"

Luffy's smile widened into pure, brainless enthusiasm. "Oh, that! I didn't get it." Ignoring Zoro's snickering, Sanji said firmly, "I'm sure that was some failing on your part, and not on the blameless Nami-san."

"Well, it was hard!" their captain protested. "She was talking about how important it was to buy expensive stuff, and take her to nice places, and I said I had a few beli on me so we could go buy some meat when we got to the next island, and she took it for something called "consultation fees", and -" he rambled on. "Then she said to remember to use protection, and so I said that I was really good at protecting people, like that time at Arlong Park, and _she_ said "I wonder if there's any of Zoro's sake left", so -"

Zoro was now laughing so hard he could barely stay in his seat. Sanji schooled himself into a serious face, and listened with appropriate gravity.

"And then," Luffy went on, "she started talking about how making love was like navigating, and something about ships coming into port, and I got _really_ confused," Luffy admitted cheerfully.

"Oh God, I can't breathe," Zoro gasped out, between bouts of laughter. "Who're you gonna send him to next, ero-cook?"

On cue, the door slammed open; Luffy's next mentor had arrived.

- - -

A/N: Man, this chapter was like pulling teeth, but I liked the title too much to just drop it. Still... a WHOLE YEAR. Shame on me. The next chapter - plus a marine interlude - should be up pretty soon, to make up for it.


	4. The secret to love is

The galley door blew open with great force, revealing Usopp, in all his glory. Until the door bounced off the wall and slammed shut in his face, ruining his dramatic entrance. There was a moment of silence when all three pirates stared at the door before it opened again. More sedately, this time.

Usopp looked at Luffy gravely, ignoring the red mark on his nose and his watering eyes from the door. "It is terrible that so many of our fellow nakama have failed you, Luffy. But don't worry," he added reassuringly. "I know everything there is to know about love."

"They call me Casanova Usopp-sama, you know," he confided, man-to-man. "Because of my great skill at wooing women."

Luffy was impressed. "Wow! I want to be Casanova Usopp's student!"

Sanji got a bad feeling about this.

Usopp herded Luffy away. "This way, then, my eager pupil. This talk is not for others' prying ears."

Sanji waited long enough to nonchalantly finish his cigarette before hurrying after them. Zoro considered following along - it promised to be hilarious. Then he realized that he was seriously behind on his napping, and if he knew his crew as well as he thought he did, they would probably still be at it after a three-hour catnap. He could catch up with them then.

- - -

_I don't want to think about what damage Usopp is already doing to my student in the ways of _l'amour, Sanji thought to himself as he stealthily made his way to the door of the room Usopp and Luffy had sequestered themselves in. In the time-honoured tradition of eavesdroppers everywhere, he put a glass to the wall, placed his ear against it, and listened. He could just barely make out a speaker, and for once thanked whatever gods had made the sharpshooter feel the need to talk very loudly when he was explaining something to someone.

_"- And that is why interpretive dance is so crucial to the process. Are you taking notes, my student?"_ Usopp rambled on.

An indefinable mumble from Luffy.

_"Good! Why that reminds me of the time I battled a fresh-water kraken when I was but seven years old... for three days and three nights we -"_

Sanji sighed, and brought a hand up to massage his temples. He supposed he ought to burst in and stop Usopp from filling Luffy's head with who knows what nonsense... but realistically, he'd already let the marimo have a turn, and he doubted Usopp could _possibly_ damage Luffy any more than what Zoro had already accomplished.

_"-Then, on the back of the great turtle Gamera, I-"_

Nami-san's lack of success was, of course, their fault for not properly understanding her and not through any fault of her own.

"_-And ever since then, I have been known by the name of Honest Usopp!"_

- - -

Sanji had gone back to his kitchen, and decided that Luffy could manage on his own. He'd felt a brief pang of conscience over leaving his naive captain all alone with Usopp, but then he remembered he hadn't seen Robin-chan all day, and the pang disappeared.

"Oh, Robin-chwan!" he sang happily as he pirouetted through the ship, "Might you need anything? A snack? Something to drink? The still-beating hearts of your enemies? Just tell Sanji, and he'll get it for yooou!"

He arrived at Robin-chan's little corner of the ship, just in time to see Usopp drilling Luffy, with Robin-chan watching with an air of amusement. "Luffy!" Usopp barked, stern as any drill sergeant. "Mating ritual #7!"

Luffy immediately began to perform something that looked a lot like Riverdance, with lots of leaps and kicks. Robin covered her smile with a hand. Usopp gauged Robin's expression, and nodded seriously.

"Very good. Now... switch over to mating ritual #4, and remember to stick your landing!"

Luffy started hopping around like some demented ballerina while Usopp shouted at him and whacked him with a rolled up pamphlet. Sanji paused at that thought.

Ballerina. _No_. _Way_._ In. Hell._ It couldn't be... that man. _No no, you're just paranoid, Sanji. He hasn't come back._

He'd had a very traumatic experience with a ballerina once. He felt chills run up and down his body and turned away, feeling faint. Visions of pink coats and swans, rose petals and unshaven legs ran through the poor cook's mind. OKAMA WAY! echoed through his mind. OKAMA WAY!... Okama Way... Okama way...

He needed to sit down for a moment.

Behind him, unnoticed, Usopp's voice shouted, "I can tell she's weakening! Now, for the coup de grace-"


	5. A very special marine interlude

Disclaimer: Hey, just reminding you guys that One Piece is still the property of Oda, and not yours truly.

A/N: And the end is in sight, ladies' and gents. Only Chopper and Robin's chapters to go - I hadn't seen enough of Franky when I started this fic to put him in, so no chapter for him. Tough luck there, Cyborg.

- - -

It was business as usual on the Grand Line, and the Mugiwara pirates had succumbed to the problem common to all sea-going men and women, especially those with a human vacuum for a captain.

They had run out of food.

And so it had been a grateful pirate crew who had coasted into port at a small Summer island that boasted a bustling trade town. Half the crew had gone off to restock supplies, and the remainder given free run of the town until their Log Pose had set a course for a new island. With the exception of a snoozing Zoro, who had been unanimously decided upon to watch the ship in their absence. Why, surely nothing bad could happen in this friendly little town...

Right?

- - -

Luffy smiled happily as he flitted from booth to booth, attention drawn here and there like a magpie in a jewelry store. He was having a great time; in fact, he thought to himself, the only way he could be having a better time is if he had some of his friends were here with him. And lo, Fate did look down upon him, giggle to Itself, and provide him with a companion.

"MUGIWARA!"

That bellow sure sounded familiar, Luffy noticed. Why, it must be Luffy's lucky day: he had found someone he knew.

Captain Smoker erupted out of a side street, looking like some sort of homicidal genie.

"Oh," Luffy said, with feeling. "_Crap._"

The pirate legged it like a scared rabbit, the half-man half-whirlwind in hot pursuit.

- - -

Ten minutes and one break-neck chase through the city later, and Luffy wasn't having fun any more. "Why are you still following me?!" he whined loudly, using every rubber-based trick at his disposal to keep the logia-using man from catching up with him.

"JUST A COINCIDENCE, MUGIWARA!" Smoker roared as he blew through a fruit-seller's stand, heedless of non-Justice-related matters, like the weeping of the fruit-seller as his dreams of a profitable venture became as wrecked as his fruit stand. When chasing Luffy, it seemed like Smoker only had one volume-level (extremely loud), one facial expression (severely pissed off), and one thought (Bring-Luffy-To-Justice). "I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING FOR YOU THIS TIME!" Luffy ducked down an alleyway and Gomu-Rocketed up onto the roof of a building, still trying to lose the ridiculously persistent marine captain.

Smoker grinned nastily around his mouthfull of cigars and shouted, "White Vine!", leaving a spiraling trail of smoke behind him as he joined Luffy on the rooftop. Luffy spun around, breathing heavily and clutching a stitch in his side. Smoker slowed to a stop, looking like he was wondering if they were going to get into a good old knock-down, drag-out fight right there and then.

"Hey, Smokey," Luffy panted, still getting his breathing under control. "How would you ask a girl out?"

Smoker's return look questioned Luffy's sanity. "Now is really not the time for a heart-to-heart discussion, Mugiwara."

"Well, I was just wondering," Luffy told him, "'cuz, y'know, Sanji said I needed to know, but then I messed it all up, and Zoro -"

Smoker interrupted him, his voice that of someone watching a car-wreck: you knew you weren't supposed to look, but you couldn't seem to help yourself. "You took your crew's advice for it."

Luffy sounded puzzled that it would even be in question. "Well, sure." Smoker put a hand over his eyes, giving off a kind of 'what-the-hell-am-I-doing' vibe. "Okay, Mugiwara. Do _any_ of those guys look like they know what they were doing?"

"Well," the pirate captain with $100 million on his head said hesitantly, "Usopp sounded really sure interpretive dance was the key."

"So, no." Smoker's heartfelt sigh sounded oddly like a creaking bellows. "Look, Straw Hat. It's like a chase."

"So love is like how you chase me everywhere?"

"_No_. Not like that, and don't ever say it like that again." The white-haired man sighed again, stubbed out his two cigars, and lit up a new pair. "Women need a strong man, one strong enough so that she can be as strong as she wants, as strong as she can be, without worrying about having to be less than she is to match her man. Chase your woman and conquer her, and you'll capture her heart." He thought about it for a moment, then nodded definitively. "I'm pretty sure that's what Hina was talking about. She's a woman, she ought to know."

Luffy stared at Smoker. "Wow. That sounds hard. Well," the pirate added, already wandering off. "I'll try that out. Thanks, Smokey!"

Smoker watched him go for a moment, before he leaped to his feet and shouted, "Hey, Straw Hat! Where do you think you're going?!"

The chase resumed.

- - -

Sanji sighed. "What are we doing, again?" Luffy was too busy giggling to himself and peeking around the corner to answer, so the cook took a look for himself. In the center of the corridor, positioned just outside Nami's room was a large cargo crate carefully propped up by a stick and baited with meat that Sanji recognized from the padlocked refrigerator.

Sanji, he had realized, had created a monster. With only the best of intentions, of course. Also, it was mostly Zoro's fault. "I thought you had given up on this." Luffy shook his head, his eyes still bright with laughter at his own cunning. "Smokey gave me the idea," he explained.

"And what makes you think 'Smokey' knows anything about love?" Sanji despaired. Luffy's brow furrowed in thought, and Sanji sincerely hoped that that smell like burning rubber was Luffy's brain and not his roast that he'd left on a slow bake in the oven. "Wellll," Luffy trailed off, still thinking. "He always has that one girl with him, the one who likes Zoro." Sanji debated on whether to explain the difference between a girl liking Zoro and a girl wanting to beat up Zoro and take his swords.

Luffy suddenly clapped a hand over the cook's mouth, even though Sanji hadn't been talking. "Shhh!"

Nami's door opened, and the divine creature that lowered herself to grace the world of humans stepped out. She stared at the box trap. Squatted down and stared at it some more. Put a hand over her eyes, as though if she couldn't see it, it wouldn't exist. "Luffy," she called out. _Deductive reasoning Nami-san is wonderful too,_ Sanji thought to himself, as the wily hunter elongated his neck so that just his head could peek around the corner. "Yes, Nami?"

"What is this?"

"A marvel of craftsmanship, combining the very best elements of capture technology, patent pending by the renowned Usopp-sama, Inventor Supreme," Luffy pronounced as though he'd memorized them by rote. Knowing Usopp as he did, Sanji didn't doubt that that was exactly what had happened.

Sanji tried to stop himself, he really did, but the guffaw escaped regardless. "You went to Usopp, and he built you a woman-catching trap, and this was it?" Sanji snickered to himself.

"Sanji," Nami interrupted, now leaning back against her cabin door. "What are you doing here?"

"Trying to protect Nami-san, whether from the hounds of hell or idiots with boxes," he answered immediately, cheerfully selling his captain downriver.

"That is slander!" came a voice from the storage room down the hall. "My trap is a thing of functional and aesthetic beauty! It's _perfect!_ I even tested it! Luffy, move a little closer to the trap, please."

Luffy edged into the hallway. "How," Usopp asked rhetorically, as Luffy began slavering as the scent of the mat reached his nose, "could this bait have failed? With it's aura of deliciousness, its mouth-watering aroma!?" On cue, Luffy dived under the box after the hunk of meat, knocking over the stick and sending the box crashing down on him. "Help! I'm stuck!" came the panicked voice from inside the box. "See?" the inventor asked them proudly. "Traps crafted by the marvelous Usopp-sama are undefeatable."

Sanji began to laugh again, not noticing the twitch developing below their navigator's eye, a sure sign of imminent danger. "I am going to start hitting you now," Nami informed them. "And I don't know when I'm going to stop."

Cries of "No! I am too young and pretty and famous to die!" and "I love the rampaging Nami-san too!" echoed from below decks for quite some time.

- - -

Mugiwara: Straw Hat

You know, in case that stumped you. I kind of alternate between the english and japanese version of that, usually based on if I've seen a sub episode with Smoker in it recently ("MUGIWARA!").


	6. The most wonderful time of the year

Chopper leaned back on his stool and sighed in contentment. The room the crew had converted into an infirmary when he'd come aboard the Going Merry was always quiet and peaceful, a step removed from the chaos that was the Strawhats. He loved being a pirate, and he'd never had more fun than he'd had since meeting Luffy and the others. But it was also nice to be able to study his medical texts and brew his tinctures, potions, and salves in relative peace and serenity.

This peace was abruptly shattered when Nami slammed open the door and deposited the twitching, contorted targets of her not-inconsiderable wrath on the nearest bed. "Please patch the idiots up," she requested. Chopper's eyes widened.

"Doctor!" he shrieked, panic setting in. "Someone find a doctor!"

Nami had to gently remind him that _he_ was their doctor.

"Oh. Right," the reindeer said, embarrassed.

He inspected his patients, taking in Sanji's dilated pupils that were indicative of blunt trauma to the skull, the extreme swelling of Luffy's face that spoke of a severe - though not life-threatening - beating, and Usopp's half-conscious moans that his legions of fans wouldn't love him anymore without his stunning good looks.

He was horrified.

"A fight? Was it the marines? _Pirates?_ Wait, that's us. We're pirates." He shook his furred head in horror. "What kind of terrible beast would do such a thing?" he lamented.

"I have no idea," Nami informed him, "but whoever it was, these three probably deserved it." She gave him a cheery smile and slipped outside, closing the door behind her.

"I love the rampaging Nami-san tooooo~" the concussed Sanji crooned dazedly.

_Nami-san? Unlikely._ Chopper shook his head sadly. Confusion and temporary amnesia were not terribly uncommon in such cases - but with luck Sanji would recover from this ailment with minimal damage. It certainly made more sense than a single girl hurting such capable fighters so badly.

"Now, I should have a salve that will reduce the swelling," he murmured to himself as he puttered around the infirmary. "Sanji-san? Please do not fall asleep yet. You may have a concussion."

Deep, even breathing was his only answer.

"Sanji? Oh no! A doctor! Someone get a doctor!"

* * *

By dinner, Sanji was ready to leave. "I'll heal better in the kitchen," he assured Chopper. Chopper let him go, used by now to his crew's unusual methods of recovering. Luffy had once healed from being gored through the stomach by stuffing himself with meat, Zoro recovered best by being swathed in bandages and taking being left alone to take longer than usual naps, and Sanji swore by the healing powers of cooking good food for beautiful women. The reindeer doctor knew by now that he couldn't really keep them in the infirmary longer than they felt necessary, but he had to admit at least Sanji was up and walking. Zoro often seemed to feel that resting in an infirmary was an affront to his strength, and dragged himself above decks whether his legs were working or not. His other two patients were still bed-ridden, Luffy still in a deep sleep, and Usopp awake and complaining about mysterious, life-threatening pains.

"By the way, Chopper," Sanji said casually, "we've been trying to teach Luffy about women. A medical perspective might be just the thing. Would you mind talking to him?"

Chopper looked thoughtful. "I suppose it is that time of year... I would be glad to help Luffy!"

Sanji smiled. "Thanks, Chopper. I knew we could count on you." He closed the door on Chopper's protestations that being depended on didn't make him happy, asshole.

Just a few hours after Sanji left, Luffy woke up hungry but pain free. He blinked. "Chopper? Where'd Nami go? Is she still angry?"

Chopper shook his head sadly.

More temporary amnesia. So sad.

"Sanji asked me to take over for him and teach you what you need to know," Chopper explained proudly, taking Luffy's mind off his delusions. "So, please tell me what the others have told you so far, so I know what to build on."

Luffy thought back on his previous instructors on the subject. He recalled, counting on his fingers, "Compliments are important. Alcohol is usually involved, and if you aren't careful, so are boot knives. The weather, wind currents, and docks are somehow involved in all this. Don't know how. There's a lot of dancing. And that girls are better than I thought they would be at avoiding traps."

"You humans need all that?" Chopper was astounded. "Human rutting sounds complicated. Reindeer are much more sensible about these things."

"Really?" Luffy asked eagerly. Simple was good. Sanji was a good guy (well, a good cook, which made him a-okay in Luffy's book), but it was hard to keep all his poetic ramblings straight, with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies.

"Sure! We just follow our instincts. Don't worry Luffy," Chopper explained confidently, "I'll teach you how it's done. Let's go find a female for you to practice on!"

* * *

"Okay Luffy. Remember, you are the alpha on this ship. You have the right to your females," Chopper instructed. "Watch out for the other males; they may try to challenge you for the right to the females. Hopefully by display only, but don't count on it. Make sure to put them down firmly, but don't hurt them too bad: you are all part of the same crew, after all. They don't really mean it, rutting season is just making them crazy."

The pair were peeking around the corner of the rudder room at Nami and Robin, who were reclining on the main deck with Sanji waiting on them, Luffy correctly and Chopper backwards as he usually did.

"Ready.. go!"

Luffy galloped forward on all fours, like the world's most ungainly reindeer. Sanji, distracted as he was by the vision of beauty before him, didn't stand a chance. With a resounding 'Gong-g-g-g!' like the sound of a rung bell, Luffy's head connected with the cook's lower back, shot-putting him through the air like a blond cannonball. He managed to clear the distance from the forward deck all the way to - and through - the door that led below-decks, after which he promptly tumbled down the stairs. It was an amazing shot.

If there was a competition for long distance cook tossing, Luffy would be collecting his gold medal.

"Oh no! Sanji needs medical assistance!" Luffy's new mentor in the ways of love wailed and dashed after Sanji.

"Hey wait, Chopper!" Luffy called. "You never told me what the next step is."

Nami was staring at him.

"Just... why?" she wondered, already dreading the answer.

Luffy puffed out his chest. "I'm in heat!" He paused. "Or maybe you guys are. I don't know how it works exactly, but Chopper was pretty sure that's what was happening. I guess this happens every October."

Nami looked at Robin, who already had her nose back in her book. There was a small smile on her lips. No help from that quarter. It seemed it was up to the navigator to stop the stupidity. Again.

"Luffy, humans don't go into heat."

Luffy looked dubious. "I don't know, Nami, Chopper really sounded like he knew what he was talking about."

"Chopper," Nami stressed, "is a _reindeer_. What works for him isn't going to work for you. Anyway, wouldn't you have noticed going into heat every October?"

Logic bounced off Luffy like most things did.

"Maybe I never noticed before," Luffy reasoned.

Nami threw her hands up in exasperation. "Whatever. I give up."

"You do! Awesome! Sanji! I did it! Now what do I do?" Luffy looked around. "Ara? Sanji?"

"You knocked him down the stairs," Robin pointed out.

"Geez, what's he doing falling down stairs? What a clumsy cook. Nevermind, I'll figure it out myself…"

* * *

Sanji made it back on deck, groaning and rubbing his head. "This is my fault, I'm sure of it. Karma exists in this lifetime, and it doesn't like me."

Zoro cracked open an eye, proving that the hullabaloo had woken him from his pre-dinner nap, and offered, "I just want to say right now that I'm not giving him the 'birds and the bees' talk. That's all you."

Sanji growled back, "Why don't you try pulling your own weight around when it doesn't involve swords or beer for a change, you useless marimo?"

"You started this, it's your problem. Ero-cook." Apparently satisfied with his parting shot, Zoro settled back down, and was out like a light.

"What? Come over here and say that, you directionally-challenged moron!"

Zoro slept on, oblivious. His sleeping face somehow managed to look smug.

"If you can even make it over here without a map - oh, the hell with it." Sanji threw up his hands in exasperation. What was the point?

Maybe he could just drop the whole thing. Luffy managed to get along just fine without romance, why should he meddle with a good thing?

Robin placed a slim, handsome bookmark to mark her page - it was just about the only frivolity Sanji could ever remember her giving in to, besides her closet full of unusual hats - and looked up at him.

"Cook-san, I understand you have been trying to teach Captain-san about reproduction?"

"Yeeees, Robin-chwan!" Sanji was starry-eyed. What had he been thinking about a minute ago? Whatever, it probably wasn't important.

Then he noticed the empty glass beside her lawn chair. Empty, without a new one beside it. Sanji just about hit the deck, supine, under the weight of his depression. Poor Robin-chwan, pining all alone, without anyone to wait on her. It was... it was _ungentlemanly_. The immutable law of Sanji's universe was that beautiful women always had everything they wanted, and if they didn't, they damn sure would as long as he was around. That a little push down the stairs had prevented him from his self-appointed duty... Sanji wanted to claw out his eyes in shame.

He fell to his knees and let out a cry that resounded from the very depths of his soul, a teeth-gnashing, jaw-clenching, chest-tightening, bowel-loosening howl of pure agony. Horror wasn't even a strong enough word for it; he might have to create new words just to express the depths of his self-loathing for a failure of this magnitude.

Dishonogustidignitude, maybe.

"May I borrow Captain-san for a little while? I have a few things in my quarters I could show him."

Sanji's emotions turned around so fast they could have received whiplash.

"Of course, Robin-chwan! Feel free to take that guy wherever you want and do whatever you want to him!"

* * *

A/N: Man, how long has it been since I updated this thing? I've had this thing written for a few months, just never got around to posting it. Anyhow, just Robin's chapter left - plus a little epilogue thing with Franky, because people were asking for it. Don't expect Brooke, though. The 'bone jokes' practically write themselves, but do you really want me to go there?

What is up with Robin's collection of cowboy hats, anyway?


End file.
